When Did I Become This 'Woman'

Thursday, June 6, 2019

It's safe to say that I wasn't always like this. Even though my childhood wasn't happy go sunshine and rainbows...I was happy that we had a roof over our heads and food in our tummies. I think about my childhood all the time. It might have not been the best but it was manageable. My siblings and I did what any siblings did. We played, fought, and ate together. But growing up the middle child was always hard. I spent majority of my time alone because well no one wanted to play with me. My older sisters wanted to be by themselves and my younger siblings had each other as well. So, like I said I got used to be alone. Middle Child Syndrome. It's actually a real thing and unfortunately I suffered from it when I was younger. I still have my moments where I am left out but I think I have gotten used to it. I got used to being alone and so I did things that would either cheer me up or put me on my Mum's radar for being a "bad child".

So, how did all of this turn me into the woman I am today? Well, trust and believe me when I say that I have had a lot of learning experiences. I trusted way to easily ( still do a little ), I befriended anyone who was nice to me and let me NOT get started on guys. Yeah, I definitely had stupid moments in the past but I took them all as learning experiences. I always ask myself if I could go back into the past...would I change anything. Honestly as much as I say everything was a learning experience...I would go back and change a few things but how far back would I go and what would I change?

The woman I have become is strong, independent, hardworking but emotional. I have my down days where I lock myself away and think a shit ton of negative thoughts but I also have my great days where nothing can get to me and I am ontop of the world. I also have my in between days where I am smiling and happy but dying on the inside. I work hard to make a better life for myself. I care about my happiness even if no one else does.

The question I keep asking myself is...when? When did I become this woman? When did I laugh when I want to cry instead? When did I learn to close off my emotions and never share what is bothering me?

So, when did I become this woman? I personally think that I have been her forever.


It's safe to say that I wasn't always like this. Even though my childhood wasn't happy go sunshine and rainbows...I was happy that we had a roof over our heads and food in our tummies. I think about my childhood all the time. It might have not been the best but it was manageable. My siblings and I did what any siblings did. We played, fought, and ate together. But growing up the middle child was always hard. I spent majority of my time alone because well no one wanted to play with me. My older sisters wanted to be by themselves and my younger siblings had each other as well. So, like I said I got used to be alone. Middle Child Syndrome. It's actually a real thing and unfortunately I suffered from it when I was younger. I still have my moments where I am left out but I think I have gotten used to it. I got used to being alone and so I did things that would either cheer me up or put me on my Mum's radar for being a "bad child".

So, how did all of this turn me into the woman I am today? Well, trust and believe me when I say that I have had a lot of learning experiences. I trusted way to easily ( still do a little ), I befriended anyone who was nice to me and let me NOT get started on guys. Yeah, I definitely had stupid moments in the past but I took them all as learning experiences. I always ask myself if I could go back into the past...would I change anything. Honestly as much as I say everything was a learning experience...I would go back and change a few things but how far back would I go and what would I change?

The woman I have become is strong, independent, hardworking but emotional. I have my down days where I lock myself away and think a shit ton of negative thoughts but I also have my great days where nothing can get to me and I am ontop of the world. I also have my in between days where I am smiling and happy but dying on the inside. I work hard to make a better life for myself. I care about my happiness even if no one else does.

The question I keep asking myself is...when? When did I become this woman? When did I laugh when I want to cry instead? When did I learn to close off my emotions and never share what is bothering me?

So, when did I become this woman? I personally think that I have been her forever.