I cannot believe that I just disappeared again. That was something I didn't want to do...I definitely wanted to really get back into writing, posting and sharing. I won't lie...life has obviously changed drastically. So, I wanted to give you guys a bit of a BIG life update. Are you ready? Grab a drink because this is probably going to be a long read. 

Last time I posted was about my insane birth story and how our daughter came into the world & the after care I received after being readmitted into the hospital. Let's pick up from there shall we? 

Life with a newborn was rough paired with healing from a c-section & lack of sleep. Thankfully my husband took over most of the night shifts so I wouldn't get up. The newborn stage went by so quickly and before we both knew it...we had a 1 month old baby. She was still so small and required so much care but eventually we developed a rhythm together. From feedings, to changing and even sleep schedules we had our own pace and our little strawberry was such a good baby. It's crazy to think now she's 8 MONTHS! 

Let's skip a bit cause I don't want to make this post to long lol. We moved from Montana ( finally ) & have settled in Illinois for now. It's been such a change since leaving Montana. We go out more to spend more family time together doing fun things like going to the Art Museum, the Aquarium, to see The Arch, Ikea ( there is no Ikea in Montana ) etc... 

I have been slowly putting our home together ( less space than our last place ) and I am currently working on my coffee bar. I am so picky on how I want it to look a specific way & have been going back and forth to Ikea a few times to make returns or exchanges etc BUT I have FINALLY settled on the look and have to make ONE more Ikea trip to complete it. Maybe I should do a vlog about it cause it's been hilarious and I am pretty sure my husband is over all my shenanigans lol. 

Like I mentioned above our little strawberry is now 8 months. Time flew by so quickly. Her little milestones bring us so much joy.

She can: laugh, roll over, say mama ( in both English and Korean ) she's definitely a mama's girl for sure, she can sit up on her own, she's trying to crawl, she LOVES food like both of her parents, she also loves meeting new people. Her personality has definitely started coming out more. 

I just started physical therapy so I can fix my pelvic floor ( I am in lots of pain ) and I never got it checked out I just lived with the pain and my husband said no that's not normal so now I am in physical therapy and I am doing 2 sessions a week until I am able to be bumped down to 1 session a week. So far I am loving it even though I have only had 2 sessions but babygirl LOVES my physical therapist! Dare I say that she's obsessed. 

I think that I will stop here cause I can go on forever. Thank you for reading and sticking around whilst I took a small hiatus. 

It’s been exactly 8 days since my daughter took her first breath into the world. At least 8 days since writing this post... My birth experience wasn’t what I expected. In fact it was the complete opposite of what I was expecting. 

As you guys may already know. Our Baby 🍓 was born on September 6th which landed on a Friday. Hubby and I went in for our very last doctor appointment. Her original due date was September 9th but the universe definitely had other plans for us. 

My doctor came back into the room and was immediately like we’re concerned with how high your blood pressure is & with the swelling of your feet we’re worried about preeclampsia & we want to send you to Labor & Delivery to have some tests ran on you. 

Well you guys can imagine how that went. Ran all the tests they needed and everything came back A okay but they still wanted to deliver baby girl the same day rather than waiting on Monday. Imagine my surprise when being told you are going to meet your daughter today and not in a few days. I, didnt have time to process what was going on because everyone just started bustling around us. Setting me up with an IV & all that jazz to then just wheeling me off into surgery to have a c-section. It was a BLUR! 

Next thing I knew I was ugly crying and being handed my daughter. Talk about a whirlwind of emotions. I couldn’t feel majority of my body and here was this tiny human who came out of me. So many thoughts rushed to my head. Was I ready?! I thought I had more time! Oh my goodness she’s so little! Wow she has a set of lungs on her! WOAH ALL THE HAIR! Trust me the amount of thoughts that crossed my mind was 1938483993 a second. 

I think my mind went blank the moment they brought her into the recovery room. They wanted to do skin to skin and attempt to get her to latch for breast feeding. Which didn't go well. I meant the breast feeding not skin to skin. I didn't know that my milk supply was going to take a few days to come in since I had a c-section. It was what it was and I enjoyed bonding with my baby in that moment. 

I was admitted Friday & I was discharged on Sunday with no complications ( at the time ). They made me get up and walk to pee, walk to the door etc and everything was fine. Had light bleeding and I literally thought that everything was normal UNTIL...we got home. On Monday evening I was eating dinner and when I stood up to go and pee I saw a lot of blood ( ending up tossing out the bedding ). We called L&D and they told us to go to the ER. So, we packed up baby girl and headed to the ER so I can get evaluated. Let's just say this is where EVERYTHING goes downhill. I was in so much pain I couldn't stop crying, they came in to take my blood and jabbed me 3 times...couldn't find my vein, messed up on IV placement ( then casually said whoops as I am bleeding out of my arm )...like I said it was a shit show. 

A random nurse called up to L&D to speak to my doctor and she told her to just send me to L&D so that they can take care of me themselves. Yes, it was much better than how they were treating me in the ER but not by much ( with certain nurses not all ). I had to have a blood infusion, iron infusion and magnesium. I was being pumped with so much shit that my left arm swelled up in size, became hard as a rock and they had to remove the IV. It was the most painful experience of my LIFE! Even my c-section itself wasn't that bad! 

Overall, whilst I hated being pregnant I don't think I ever want to go through this experience ever again. I still have all the bruises and scars from where I was poked with needles and when they used the BP ( blood pressure ) cuff on me to track my levels. Now that I am home for sure the amount of medication I have to take is insane. 

I love my babygirl and every time I look at her I am so thankful I brought her into the world healthy. Now back to our sleepless nights with our new born lol. 

Born on Friday, September 6th at 4:18pm weighing 7lbs 13.2oz 20in. My healthy baby girl was brought into the world. From the moment I laid my eyes on her i wanted to protect her. I’m currently trying to type this out as she’s lying in my arms. I love to just look at her. She’s so perfect that I just want to give her all the love I have in the world. It has only been a day but I find myself thinking about how I grew her for 9 whole months. The most torturous 9 months of my life but the life I have created from it…just wow. 

Right now I am sitting in awe thinking…holy shit I created a WHOLE ASS HUMAN! I am her protector, someone she will admire and look up to and it freaks me out. I am scared shitless that I might be a horrible mother but then my husband reassures me that I will be an amazing mother who will break the generational curse. I want my daughter to be able to communicate with me about anything that is bothering and take her thoughts and feelings into consideration. I will listen to her when she has issues with me and tell her I love her every single day. Because I do. I love this little girl. She makes my heart feel so full. 

To my daughter. Thank you for coming into my life. Not just mine but your Appa’s life as well. 

38 weeks & counting. I cannot believe that we are in the last stretch of this pregnancy. Last night it was intense. Hubby and I both thought that I was going into labor because I was having such strong pains in my lower abdomen. The pain was so persistent I didn't know whether or not it was contractions or just pains. Baby strawberry was moving around so much yesterday so I think she's okay in the moment. 

Granted it is a whole new day. I am currently sitting down on the couch since hubby told me that since she can come at any moment now. So, I am sipping on an iced coffee & hoping to feel her move around. Deep down I think that I might not feel her move around as much today since she was on a mission yesterday. My belly did drop a little bit lower as well which is another indication that YES she can come at any given moment. My hospital bag is packed and it's sitting in the trunk of the car at the moment. We have to put the base for her car seat back into the car this week as well just in case she wants to make an early appearance. 

We're pretty much finished her room as well. I do have to wash the sheet that her bassinet came with again just in case she decides to bless us early. We have one more ultrasound appointment then she's HERE! I still sometimes cannot believe that I am having a baby. I am still freaking out on the inside but I know hubby and I are going to be great parents to our little strawberry. 13 more days until our official due date <3

A baby moon is something I never thought I would be going on one in my entire life. Hubby and I decided to take a baby moon before baby girls arrival. As I am writing this I am currently sitting in bed 34 weeks pregnant. It's just insane to say it out loud let alone write it down in a post. In terms of pregnancy update...baby girl is already head down gearing up to make her entrance into the world. I have some pelvic pains which is apparently normal so who am I to complain but as of right now I am definitely taking it easy for the upcoming weeks. 

Okay, now let's talk baby moon. We decided to go to San Diego for our baby moon & I wanted this trip to be more of a chill one. Whenever hubby and I go on trips we normally jam pack our itineray so we can see the most out of where we are going but not this time. We had to be a little considerate of me because I was nearing the end of being 7 months pregnant.  

Overall I really enjoyed our trip. I loved meeting my husbands family & now were contemplating moving to California so our baby girl can grow up around her cousins. I know that my daughter has cousins on my side of the family as well ( my 2nd sister has 2 kids ) but I did marry into my husbands family and I would love to incorporate her Korean side as well. 

Hubby and I have been nesting for baby girl but since he caught covid we had to be apart until he's better. Which sucks cause I really wanted to work on her room this weekend. Like putting her shelves up, her name etc....but my husband's health comes first. 

One thing that I have learned during my pregnancy is to do what makes ME comfortable. Not take the advice of other people because they aren't me. They don't have my mindset and they don't have my pain tolerance lol. I have noticed since getting pregnant that everyone is so quick to offer their advice ( that I didn't ask for ) and when I voice things that I want to do...then they tell me I shouldn't. 

Pregnancy isn't for everyone and I am not enjoying my pregnancy that much. Having another baby has NEVER crossed my mind but somehow I am deemed selfish for not wanting 2 kids. Im struggling. I don't want to experience this again. I mean there is a possibility that my next pregnancy...if I decide to do this again could be smooth sailing BUT as of right now that isn't something I am thinking about right now. Especially since I haven't even gotten through this pregnancy yet. 

Yesterday ( May 17th ) I had another appointment where they measured my belly and let us hear baby girls heartbeat again. Her heart is pumping strong so I must be doing something right lol. I still cannot believe everything is flying by so quickly. On Monday I am going to be 24 weeks pregnant which means that it will be time for me to take the glucose test. Dr. Vlasie who I saw yesterday since Dr. Dressen was in surgery all day...she said I have to get it done between 24-28 weeks. So, I guess right before I hit the 3rd trimester. 

I am internally freaking out because they do have to draw my blood and that's something I am not looking forward to at all or the fact that I have to fast before taking this test. Not happy about that either but it's to make sure that I don't have diabetes. Overall were still in nesting mode and received alot of items from our registry for babygirl so I am still working on her room. I cannot wait to reveal it to you guys. 

I am currently writing this on a gloomy Monday afternoon after making spaghetti and turkey meatballs. It was very delicious by the way and Baby Yoo is doing her usual wiggling around in my tummy. I will say now last week. I started feeling her more without needing to put my hand on my belly and it's so WEIRD. At first I wasn't sure what the feeling was and was a little panicked but now omgawd just knowing it's her and I can feel her so much more now is so surreal. 

This week Baby Yoo is the size of a small squash. Even as I am writing this she is kicking me so much right now lol. My silly little active girl. She loves the sound of her Appa's voice for sure & I will admit that I am jealous lol! 

Hubby and I also uploaded a new video to our channel. I am just happy that her room is coming along. Albeit slowly but overall it's happening. We've gotten so much clothing for her at the moment & organizing it has been so much fun. The weather has been warming up FINALLY so now hubby and I can take evening walks together and just enjoy each others company. This weekend I am going to try and convince him to deep clean the house with me before he leaves to go to Korea next week. He doesn't want to go since I cancelled my trip back home and he doesn't want me staying home alone but I told him that I will be alright. He said that if I wanted to I can take a trip driving distance for about a week but I told him that I was going to think about it, 

I am not sure what I want to do yet. 

Today is Mother's Day & even though Baby Yoo isn't here yet I have received some Mother's Day text messages that placed a smile on my face. I thought I wasn't a mother until I gave birth but that isn't the case. Baby Yoo is wiggling, doing flips and kicking me right now. She loves the sound of her fathers voice when he speaks to her she always reacts by kicking me to let him know that 'yes dad I hear you'. 

So, whilst I am used to being the one sending out the Mother's Day messages to all my friends and family. It still feels a bit surreal that I am the one receiving them now. I am cherishing them and the ones who went out of their way to make this day feel special for me.

I am going to be 23 weeks tomorrow and like I mentioned in my last post we started nesting. We got her crib, her book shelf for her books and her dresser. A BUNCH of hangers for all the clothing that not only did we get her but received from neighbors as well. 

All in all. I cannot wait to meet Baby Yoo in September & shower her with all the love. 

Happy Mother's Day again to those who are Mothers, those tho have lost Mothers, those with multiple Mothers, Mothers with strained child relationships, those with difficult Mother relationships, those who are single Mothers, Mothers who have lost their children, those yearning to be Mothers, those unable to be Mothers and those who are currently becoming Mothers. 

I am currently 22 weeks pregnant and I am heading into "nesting mode" hardcore. Baby Yoo's crib arrived yesterday and it's so cute! After so much research and talking about it we finally decided on this beautiful Delta Crib from Walmart. It was under $200 which we both loved. We also ordered a dresser for Baby Yoo's room which should be coming sometime this week as well which I am super excited for because then I could fold up Baby Yoo's clothing and put it away. I have also started hanging some of her clothing up in the closet and it is just so cute to see. Overall I think building the crib made it start feeling so real. 

We're going to be parents soon and we're going to have a little one crying. 

My dear daughter,

You are not born yet but I just wanted to let you know that you are so loved. Not just by me but by so many already. I want to be 100% honest about my feelings and tell you the good, the bad and the ugly in this letter. I know my therapist said to just write about the good things but I wanted to get everything off my chest. 

Let's start with the ugly. 

I feel like I have been making some headway in therapy and working on my past traumas but I will say that for a while now I wasn't happy with your grandma. I'm not talking about your grandmother on your Appa's side but mine. Honestly is the best policy and I haven't really been 100% honest with myself lately. All I can say is that I am disappointed. I am disappointed in her and i'm disappointed in myself for allowing all of this to affect me the way that it has. My mother has made it her life's mission to keep my father's name in the family. I was named after him after he died & from there it has just gotten progressive since announcing my pregnancy. Before anyone knew you were a girl she kept bringing up how she wanted me to continue on his legacy, she was ADAMANT that you were a boy and that my fathers spirit was talking to her telling her that you were in fact a boy. She wouldn't accept even the idea of you possibly being a girl. It's like the thought of you being a girl couldn't be possible because she was SO SURE you were a boy. She got her hopes up and when we finally told her what you were it was evident she was mad. She didn't even try to hide the fact that she was disappointed that you weren't a boy. What should have been such a happy moment turned sour because of her attitude & I am ashamed. 

The bad.

Sigh. I ended up talking to your aunt and decided to cancel my flight back home to see my mother. I honestly thought that it was the best decision. After her reaction and what she said I just didn't want to go knowing she was disappointed about your gender. I just didn't want to put myself through that and I didn't want to be affected by her words anymore. Yes, I will remember how she ruined such a happy day but I will move on and focus on you & Appa. You guys are my family & I will do everything in my power to show you guys how much you mean to me. 

The good.

YOU ARE SO LOVED! You have no idea how much you are so loved little one. 

The end of April. It's crazy how the months are flying by so quickly now. April was a hectic month. We celebrated my husband's birthday on April 1st. Yes, you read that right. Then we celebrated our anniversary on April 10th, We found out the gender of our baby on April 17th but didn't do the gender reveal until April 29th. We started getting items for our baby girl like her crib, mattress, clothing etc. All in all April was a pretty busy month for us. 

Therapy weekly has really been so helpful. It's assuring that I won't allow my past trauma affect the relationship I will build with my own daughter. I started setting stronger boundaries & one being with my mother. Until she realizes that she was wrong then I won't be contacting her. 

My husband has been the best. Granted no relationship is perfect but I love that we sit down and communicate with each other. Our trip to Helena was something that we both needed even though it was short. I can't be in the car for so long anymore without feeling ill which sucks. 

Overall despite some of the bad things that happened. April will forever be a memorable month. 

I do want to get back into reading but haven't had it in me to pick up a book recently even though I should. 

It's crazy how loved our baby girl is already ( granted my mother didn't have the best reaction ) but as my aunt said I shouldn't allow her reaction to deter me. Yes, I understand she's disappointed that we are having a girl and not a boy. I mean it's crazy to think that YES I understand that we have a lot of girls in our family but I personally think that being silent then saying you need to call me back then hanging up wasn't the best reaction. 

Nonetheless the day was amazing and the cake was extremely delicious. So, Stephanie if you are reading this the war is on lol. 

People say that babies are a blessing & I happen to be one of them now. I think it's mainly because I am pregnant. As I am writing this post...I am officially 20 weeks. It feels so insane to say it because I honestly didn't think we were going to make it this far. That was because the first trimester kicked my ass and I was over it. 

We had our anatomy scan around 19 weeks and 2 days. Crazy to think that we were able to see how much bigger our baby had grown since our 7 week scan. Now I can feel our baby moving around and even kicking me. In Korean culture is custom to nickname your baby and we decided on the nickname baby Channie since at the time we didn't know the gender BUT now we know! 

So, I am proud to say that baby Channie is a GIRL! I cannot believe that I am going to be a girl mum.